I have been avoiding writing about your death because i don’t want to remember all of this. I can’t avoid it anymore. I must tell you that it pains me to write such a letter.
What pains me even more is the fact that I know you’re in a better place yet I can’t seem to let you go. I wish we could go back to 2012 or something when you still had five years left of your life. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. I know I was mean sometimes, and i know you expressed your love in the weirdest way ever, but i would never change one thing about my life with you.
I’m so glad i said goodbye. You were lying on your bed, and we were gathered beside you. I was in so much pain and i was crying but Mayar, my sister, told me to come and sit with you. Mum asked you if you need anything and you said no, and then you asked us if we need anything, and i cried even harder. We didn’t need anything, teta. we needed you to be okay. We got an exclusive prayer that day. Just for us, the three of us.
It’s weird how God broke your leg to give you your wish. You asked God for mercy and you asked him to allow you to join the land of the martyrs. In the weirdest way possible, God gave you a gift. I kept telling myself how absurd your wish is because how on earth will you join martyrs?? Turns out that people who die incapable of moving, in fact join the martyrs.
I don’t know how a soul that inhabited a body for eighty seven years simply decides to leave? You stupid soul. Don’t you have any feelings for your family? what about us? what about me?
Today was the first day for me to leave the house with no one in it. I didn’t want to be the first one arriving home because I knew i wouldn’t find you there. You were always sitting on your bed, or heading towards the bathroom. You were always asking us to do stuff that made no sense but i don’t mind. I really don’t. I want you back. But i know i shouldn’t. I know you’re happier, but i miss you.
The house feels empty.
Yesterday I slept beside you. Mayar and I, that is. We both slept in one corner of the bed and we left your space for you. It was not scary or creepy or whatever. I don’t know why people think its scary… I mean you would never hurt me…
I will keep living on the hope that your scent will never leave your clothes, and that your beautiful eyes will never leave my mind. I see you everywhere to be honest. I see you in the stupid tea I drink because you always asked me to fix you some, in the stupid dolls in our room because you always wanted to take one, or in the dog we may buy because you hate anything with four legs…
I’m glad I lived with you for nineteen years.
Take care of us and be fine,
رب ارحمها و اغفر لها ذنوبها.